A Tiptoe Through the Tulips

I am an old woman.  What can I say?  I’ve lived a very interesting life (as of late it has not gotten much simpler).  I do believe in karma – simply put, people get back, exactly what they put in.  I may not have, all that much time left in my life.  I only just wish that people would leave me be, let me do my thing, and quite frankly, mind their own damn business.  

That’s all…

I like to bake to pass the time, oh, and reading, I love to read.  Other than that, I suppose it’s just me and my garden.  I spend a lot of time with my garden.  Do you know what the best fertilizer is?  Egg shells, coffee grounds, and buried animals.  You see, the dead animals attract the worms that help fertilize the soil.  This old fat cat, Georgy, bore the best tomatoes!  Some people say that my garden has a mind of its own.  I don’t know about all of that.  The weeds, on the other hand, can get a little out of control.  

I tried getting rid of the weeds once.  Only once…  

I have the scars to prove it.  It seems as though they were teaching me a lesson.  It was just a lesson.  I do believe in Karma, you get what you put in.

Now I leave the weeds be.  They have their own little corner of the garden.  You should see my garden.  It’s quite magnificent, really.  The weeds keep away from me, they don’t give me any trouble, just as long as I keep them well fed.  I really do love my garden…

They call me and bother me quite a little bit.  The bill collectors, the businessmen, even sometimes the police.  I like to show them my garden.  It really is a magnificent garden…

Recently a man came and wanted to talk with me.  I really don’t mind a good talk every now and then.  He told me that he was foreclosing on my house.  I didn’t quite understand what he meant.  After a little persuasion, I talked him into joining me in the backyard.  

He kept being quite pushy.  I really don’t care for pushy people.  I asked him to walk with me, in my garden.  He refused and grew quite hostile with me.  I gave him my evil stare, and I disappeared into the bushes.  I can be quite swift when I want to be.  

“Ma’am, get back here!  Ma’am, I’ll call the authorities!  MA’AM!” he cried.

We’ll see how far he gets without his telephone.  I really don’t care for pushy people…

What a perfect day for a tiptoe through the tulips!

The weeds found him.  They always do.  People try to plow through them, they always do.  I have yet to see any of them try to turn back.  Silly people.  I do, so, love to watch…

The weeds start with the ankles.  They just slowly wrap around.  Nobody really ever realizes that they’re moving, that is until they reach the knees.  Oh this is so exciting!

I poked my head out of the bushes.  He did not seem too happy to see me.

“Ma’am, you’d better help me out of here.  I don’t have time to mess around,” he was getting agitated.  The weeds don’t care for that.  We really don’t care for pushy people.

He tried turning back.  They usually do after a little while.  Sometimes I like to tease them.  I held my hand out, as if to help him.  I knew it was already too late  

The weeds had wrapped around his arms.  Oh my, I knew what was going to happen next.  A brownish green looking mouth covers his head.  It has giant teeth, but they don’t do much.  After all, it’s only a weed.  He screamed, they usually do.  Nobody can hear.  The weed covers it with a high pitched scream, almost like the noise some electronic devices give off.  I really find it quite soothing.  It takes a few days, but you could never really know that they were there.  I think that the tomatoes are going to be quite nice this year.  

I do believe in karma – simply put, people get back, exactly what they put in.  I may not have, all that much time left in my life.  I only just wish that people would leave me be…

Should you ever get a chance, I would really love to show you my garden, it really is a magnificent garden!

Author: Nicholas Thomas

One Response to "A Tiptoe Through the Tulips"

  1. Becca Groves  March 4, 2017 at 9:17 am

    Love your work – funny and horrifying all at once. Really liked this one!!


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